Hidden Emotions

I am in the midst of my first trimester of pregnancy and I get teary eyed when something sad or great is shown on television. The other day I got teary eyed while watching a tv program, I asked myself "what are you upset about" and I tried to dry up the tears. Once I cleared up my teary eyes, I thought about all the times that we hide our true emotions from ourselves and others because we are ashamed or think we are doing something wrong. We have truly become immune to rejoicing in tears with the small and big things in life whether they are sad or happy. Why do we feel the necessity to hide our true emotions? Why do we let our emotions run our lives and keep us from crying when happy things happen. I think we have trained ourselves to only cry when something really sad happens but what about all the other times? I remember as a child being told how to control my emotions, being told when it was okay to cry, being told when it was not okay to cry and I remember feeling shame if I cried when I wasn't supposed to. Although I am only watching television (and no, I am not crying at soap operas-he, he) but I do cry/get teary eyed when there are shows about real things that happen to real people and I think about all of the times that I have had friends who needed someone to cry with them but I protected my emotions so I wouldn't cry with them or I wouldn't embarrass them. It is amazing how I feel after I have had a great cry and life seems a little bit better. When was the last time you cried? Have you ever cried from being joyful? I am looking forward to motherhood but I am amazed at what I am learning about myself emotionally. PS I am not sure that my husband is enjoying me crying at tv shows but maybe he can learn a little bit more about me. :)

A Changing Life

Friends come and go and I wonder why! When I think about life, I think about all of the transitions we go through..birth, toddler, preschool, school age, high school, college, new job, family, empty nest, retirement and death. Think back on those times in your life and think about the friends that you have had and those friends that you still have. I am in a period in my life where I am watching friendships change around me and I don't know how to hold on to those friends. We are all going through life changes and differences are coming to the surface but I question why we can't all go through the changes together. Why can't we share in the joys and sorrows in life together? We have friends in our lives for seconds, moments, months, years and a lifetime. Think about those in your life and thank the Lord everytime for the friends you have had, those you have, and those friends to come.

The Bus or No Bus?

The yellow bus with the flashing lights is coming down the street. A child hides in the bushes not wanting to ride the bus but instead wanting her mom to take her to school. Yes, I am talking about myself. I remember as a child hiding in the bushes because I hated the bus. I have been reminded of this memory in the last two weeks as I have been driving through my neighborhood to head to work, I have watched a little boy walk as slowly as he can towards the bus, he stops at the top of the hill to see if the bus has come or not, waits and lets the bus leave without him, puts a big smile on his face and turns around to walk home. I have been feeding a neighbors cat so I get to watch him every morning. I sit in my car and watch him because he walks slower and slower every day since I am assuming that his mother is making him leave the house earlier and earlier because he can't seem to make it to the bus on time. Can you imagine the scene in his house as he has shown up back at home almost every day this week because he missed the bus. I wish I could see the look on his mom's face. Was there anything in your childhood that you purposely avoided?

The Waiting Game

Waiting, as a child, to be older..waiting in lines..waiting for life to get better when it is all going horribly wrong..waiting to hear from friends...waiting, as a college student, for graduation..wait, wait, wait. I sometimes feel like I have spent a large majority of my life in a waiting game. This concept has become more real to me recently because since the age of 4, I longed to be married and to be a mother. I "waited" for 37 years until I was blessed with a loving husband. Now, I have waited that long to be a mother and yet, for some reason, God has me in a waiting game. I have longed for so long to be a mother, to hold a baby in my arms, to teach my children about Christian values, to drop my children off on their first day of kindergarten, to have family dinner times, to see my children take their first steps...to just have a loving, Christian husband and children.

I am so tired of waiting. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting to see the positive sign to show up on the test but it never does. I question why I am having to wait. I don't want to hear that God is trying to teach me patience or show me something or that He is waiting for me because I am confused as to why He would allow me to have the desire to have children and yet, that desire continues to stay unanswered after over 30 years of waiting.

I am angry that my doctor told me that time is not on my side. I am angry that my doctor told me that having thyroid problems is not on my side. I am angry that my doctor wants to put me through a battery of tests in a month to see if "something is wrong with me". I am ready for life to be easy for just once..just once I don't want to have to wait...I want to feel the excitement and joy to have a 30-something year desire to come to fruition.

I am tired of playing the waiting game. Can't I win just one game of the waiting game?

Limits

Boot Camp 2009 rocked into my life and kicked my butt. My friend Becky invited me to come along with her to the Boot Camp she is participating in. Even though they were in their last week of class, I thought for sure that visitors would catch a break. Was I ever wrong! We moved from backward lunges, crab walking on the asphalt all while keeping paper plates under our feet, jumping over cones, 100 sit-ups, 50 push ups and so much more. I complained the entire time and came so close to quitting. By the end of the 1 hour class that started at 5:45am, I was trembling and feeling sick. What is amazing is that I managed to finish the hour workout and I am still feeling the pain a few days later. However, I have felt pain in muscles that I did not know even existed. In the end, it was a great day learning how much I can push myself despite the pain.

As I have with so many things in life, I wondered how I could take this experience and apply it to my current life and there are so many areas. I thought about all of the times when I have wanted to quit different things because of the pain and stress. How many times has the Lord pushed me in my life to trust Him but I grumble and complain the entire time and try to quit or I do quit but once it is over, I look back and realize how much I learned about myself.

The Boot Camp class pushed me to my absolute limits but I realized that we are all going to be pushed to the limit in life more than one time but we will always survive. There will be challenges, struggles, pain, fear, feeling sick and much more but we always grow from our experiences.

Extreme Fit Training

Are you looking for a way to jump start your fitness regime? Want to lose weight and gain strength and endurance? Check out the Extreme Fit Training Contest in which you can win a free month of extreme fit training.

Check out the following website:

http://www.extremefittraining.com/boot-camp-giveaway

Have fun entering!

Hopeful Below the Water

Do you ever feel like you are struggling to keep your life above water? You can see the bright future and the many blessings in life but it still feels like you are just under the surface of the water but you can't seem to reach the top. I have been struggling with balancing married life, work and grad school. I feel sometimes that I wake up struggling to catch my breath and I go to bed still trying to catch my breath. I lose my temper easily, I immediately say no to everything at work before even thinking about what I should say, I stay stressed out about my thesis and sometimes I just lose hope in things ever calming down. I am ready for peace and times to not be so hard. However, God has a different plan. A few weeks ago in church the pastor spoke about the fact that we need to prepare for hard times and we, as Christians, are not immune to despair and loss of hope. A verse that really spoke to my heart was

1 Peter 1:3-Blessed by the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

The sermon spoke about the idea that grace comes when we are mindful of God and we need to include God in the equation of life. I need to ask myself "what is my concept of God?" My concept of God shapes everything. My concept of God has been that there is no mercy being shown and I just want a break from things in life being so hard. However, I am told to endure the hard times in life with patience and graciousness. God is in the best and worst moments in life and I should never give in to despair, resentment, bitterness or anger. I must demonstrate my faith in God to those around me, be mindful of God all of the time, and know that there is a purpose for where I am.

Where are you in life and what is your concept of God? Where is your focus?

Love Is Not a Fight

Love Is Not A Fight
By: Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we answer in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

4 Months of Marriage

The hubby and I have been married almost 4 months and it is still an everyday learning experience. I don't think we have had a calm month so far but it has been fun. Here are a few of the highlights from our 4 months:


Weekend Florida Beach Trip

Fighting over the covers and stealing pillows even though the hubby has his own pillows but for some reason he needs three pillows at night

Sleep study followed by finding out that the hubby has to get a CPAP machine

Punching the hubby in the ribs in my sleep telling him "that's a great deal" (I guess I was dreaming about shopping)

Getting punched in the face in the middle of the night as the hubby was dreaming of spiders because I had messed with him before going to bed about spiders

Deep teeth cleaning for the hubby (I think he is falling apart at his age)

New king size mattress

Great very late night talks (3-4 hours of sleep is becoming the norm for me)

New food/cooking experiences

Traveling to the in-laws for Easter

Finishing grad school for the semester

Game nights

First snow together

Learning to balance time at work, time for school and time for marriage

Missing old friends who think that because we are married, we don't go out (we still like to do things for all of our friends who are reading this)

Exposure to mystery movies (for me)

Softball games at all hours of the night

Lots of unexpected expenses

Losing my grandmother

The hubby took a day off of work to help my office move furniture

Forgetting to put the trash out before the garbage men come

Disagreements over the temperature of the house (yes, I can be cold in 80 degree weather)

Lots and lots and lots and lots of laundry

The phrase "do you love me" can be used as an apology, affirmation, a question and a confirmation

Trying to figure out where to put all of the wedding gifts all while trying to finish writing wedding thank you notes

A 6 hour birthday party for a friend who is throwing his own party

Random holidays at work (for Jamie) are unfair..I mean really..who gets Confederate Memorial Day off (oh yeah...state employees)

Lots of fun messing with the hubby on the phone while pretending to be one of his claimants at work (I have fooled him a few times)

The rabbit does eat the bills (inside joke about a evil looking stuffed rabbit on our mantel who holds the bills until we pay them)

Relay for Life

Here are a few pics from our recent adventures:

The Real Me

I hide my heart and my true feelings at times..I sometimes cry alone other times with those who love me surrounding me...I hide the heartache I have...I work until I am ready to collapse with grief and tiredness...I stay busy to keep from having to stop and really listen...I get tired of life being so hard...I have joy in life...I smile and laugh...

I may hide at times but there is one person who knows me from head to toe and inside out...the one and only God. He knows "The Real Me". I love this song by Natalie Grant because it describes life at times.


The Real Me by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me